The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
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Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
constantly working on myself.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer