First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
You Might Also Like
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
When I snag the last meatball.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.