[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
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I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so