Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
You Might Also Like
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”