ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
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HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Dance like you’re not the father
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.