Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
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Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I think this cat is broken
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.