I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
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Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?