i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
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A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.