[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
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“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Skills
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life