Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
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The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
don’t we all
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.