Yep.
You Might Also Like
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
#Caturday
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
you stereotypes are all alike
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you