A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
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At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
*Inspirational Tweets*
moms in horror movies
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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