Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
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My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
March 16
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Air pods looking like an angry frog
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
this independent good boy don’t need no human
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one