ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
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too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
A wise man once said nothing.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Tell the colonel to bring it
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry