HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
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My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.