I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
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Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Somebody call the cops.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.