My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
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A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I’m crying im so happy for them
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Me My dog