[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
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“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…