Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
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Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired