got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
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Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]