Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
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*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
satan: not today, microsoft teams
we’re gonna need another temp
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?