*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
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[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI