My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
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I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Bringing home a sharpie
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol