its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
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Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
All generalizations are stupid.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Somebody call the cops.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh