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Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Made something I’m not proud of
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*