*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
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Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
(Jupiter –
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Safety first
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀