She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
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Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
man: wait
time: no
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!