A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
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A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Did my cat write this
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels