Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
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GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.