Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
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Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
*weighs self after shaving
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
6: are snakes just neck?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Breaking news:
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.