‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
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They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!