u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
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Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.