A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
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If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.