Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
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When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I unironically love this joke.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”