How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
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Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.