Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
You Might Also Like
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.