My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
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My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶