A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
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Whoa 😂
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Spa day..😅
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Yup!
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?