Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
You Might Also Like
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”