Admin smashed it 😂
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
S M O L
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…