Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
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Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.