Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
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Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Well, that should do it
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”