One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
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Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Every work call, he judges.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
LMAO
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.