*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
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Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye