TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
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Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
🤣🤣🤣
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry