If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
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I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.