It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
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“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I’ve been drinking.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.