Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
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we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you