What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
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living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
me irl
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”