I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
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An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I鈥檝e never met a toddler before
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She鈥檚 always been thoughtful.
The point of your 20s
my kids don鈥檛 always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 馃槹
My baby:
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
My entire life feels like I鈥檓 holding a small, sticky child that isn鈥檛 mine.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 馃幎 I’m too sexy for my shirt 馃幎 Too sexy for my shirt 馃幎
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 馃槴